How to cope with the adjustment to motherhood: From corporate boss to cot side rookie.
This was originally written and published in my postpartum planner, but I’m also putting a copy of it here for you to read. It is based on my experience with my first postpartum and I hope my words help you, if you need them.
If you’re currently pregnant with your first child, you’ve probably heard a mixed bag of reviews about motherhood. Some say it’s blissful, others say it’s a bit shit, and to be completely honest, it’s absolutely both of those things. You’ve heard about the sleepless nights and I’d be willing to bet you’ve copped at least one “better get some sleep now before you never sleep again *insert obnoxious laugh*”. They’re correct, but I won’t add a laugh on the end, just a gentle reminder to go enjoy those day naps - oh the day naps!!
What I will also do is give you a heads up about what’s coming, because I don’t think this is spoken about enough, and that’s the jolt of going from corporate boss to cot side rookie. There’s no manuals for babies and try as you might you just cannot fully prepare for motherhood until you’re in it. Until you understand it in your bones. So what I’m about to talk about might seem like I’m being dramatic, but stay with me.
If you’re reading this and having your first child, you probably have a job, right? That job assumably holds very clear roles and expectations, yeah? There’s hours that you’re paid for and can rely on. You currently have predictability, routine and control. Maybe you’re a boss and have that next level of responsibility and leadership. You steer a ship but you’ve got a map and your crew follows orders. Your brain fires up and you can use your problem solving skills and creativity in ways that contribute and are recognised and appreciated.
Now, imagine you leave work one day, return the next day and they’ve placed you in a new role, without warning and there’s no brief of the job. No outlines of roles and responsibilities. You’re just told to get to work, but you’re not really sure of what that work is, you just know you’ve somehow gotta figure it out. That’s motherhood. It’s a job you never feel fully qualified for, and know nothing about, but you do it nonetheless, and just hope you don’t mess it up.
What I’ve found in both my motherhood journeys and in my experience as a postpartum doula, supporting clients from a wide range of jobs, is that the transition from office to home can be incredibly mentally challenging. You go from such structure, to nothing at all. You don’t understand the job, your boss can’t speak but just yells at you and this time you have no coworkers to bounce ideas off of. You were used to the predicability of life, and now you have no control, you are at the mercy of this tiny person you just birthed and would move mountains for.
I’m not writing any of this to scare you or plant seeds or doubt over your choice to start a family, I just feel that if more women KNEW that there would be this sudden loss of predicability and control, when they were going through it they might not feel so out of sorts.
So, you now know that there’s a new job heading your way and it’s gonna feel pretty strange, but what can you do about it? Is there a way you can maintain SOME control and predicability in your new life?
The answer is yes, but first you’ve got to be aware of this change, so you can actively keep connected to your former self who will begin to miss and deeply crave control.
Firstly, it isn’t necessarily about the task, it’s about opening and closing the loop to give your body that little hit of dopamine. To feel like you’ve ticked a task off the list. Secondly, keeping a routine, as much as you can, will help you feel like you’ve got that predictability, even for a short time. Find the things you CAN control, because there’s so much that you just can’t.
How to create an achievable routine in the early days
When I was pregnant with my first and working in my office job, a co worker who was a 60 year old nonna sat me down, held my hand and said something I will never forget.
“Every morning, before you leave your bedroom, get dressed and make your bed.”
Her advice at the time seemed strange, obviously I would do two very basic things? It wasn’t until (like everything motherhood) I was in that trench did I finally understand her advice that day, and the look on her face with that gentle smile, because she knew, of course she knew. Some days I forgot her words and by dinner I’d look down and realise I’m still in my pjs. Then I made a conscious effort to do those two things and it made SO much difference to my mental health. Before I walked out of the room I had achieved two things. I had control over those two things and I got to choose to do them. Plus making my bed always makes me feel good, and going back to a neat bedroom calms my nervous system. She was on the money, that beautiful Italian nonna.
Some other things I would do is brush my teeth, hair and put some light make up on. This wasn’t for any other reason than to make me feel alive. It made me feel so much better. Again, very basic things, but in those early baby days, basic things like this keep you sane, trust me. In winter I would take long hot showers and get changed into my fluffiest comfiest clothes. My son would be hanging out in the bouncer on the bathroom floor. I took that time as a daily non negotiable. Even if he fussed, he was safe, and I was allowed to take a minute to clean my body so I could be a calmer mum for him. If I felt put together, I would be more patient and far less irritable! We both won.
As for routine, in the early months I highly recommend staying at home while you heal, however if you have a fabulous birth, or purely for sanity reasons, you might just NEED to leave the house - that’s also okay! Listen to your body. Make trips short and close by. Maybe you just need to drive to get your favourite coffee at 8am every morning, that satisfies the craving for time control. Getting into nature and around other mums in your season is a great idea, so try and attend local groups to connect with others. It can be hard building a community, but you’ve got to put yourself out there. Baby steps and small achievements, it all matters and I promise this is temporary. You won’t feel like a rookie for long.
